just ranting...

These few days my mood was swinging and changed every now and then. I easily get irritated with peoples, most of the time on the road. At work, I thought I did pretty well for my boss but seems like it’s not enough for him. 5 minutes ago I walked out from his room and started doing my work. Exactly 5 minutes after, he called me just to find out whether the job has completed or not. -_-! 

Dealing with third party required time and countless of follow up. How can you expect the work to be done in a minute? That’s why I was sulking with the boss lately. He is smart enough to realize that through my face expression and my voice tone. Ah, I’m so not good in pretending that I’m all okay and cheer up all day. I am a little upset when overheard his phone conversation with someone and said, “Who needs to know and who really cares.” Although he didn’t meant what he said and that is only a joke, I wonder if he said the same thing to me with or without my knowing. I am a sensitive person. I could cry if he said that. No one can say that harsh words to me when I’m trying harder to please them. When I’m being nice, you should be nice to me as well even if you are trying to crack a joke – should use nice words.
 

My aunty used to say that my work field is full of cruelty – which I agreed. Slowly, I started to put barrier in my heart. I love my job, I really do. But there are things that I just do it with no honesty inside. I guess my boss can realize it too. This is all started to happen when they set rule for me not to have lunch outside just because they are so worried who’s going to attend all calls during lunch time!
 

All I want is to be treated fair and square. A lot of questions popped out in my mind that I didn’t bothered to ask. Why is it hard for me to take annual leave? Why my pay slip is just a piece of light paper (DL size) where I think everybody has seen it before reach my hand? Why I couldn’t have a chance to dine at the nice place? Everybody can go out EVERYDAY and having luxury lunch while me tapau the food from cafeteria and having my lunch in the office EVERYDAY. Why they put high expectation on me while my salary is just + /- USD500 a month? A lot of why’s that I didn’t want to mentioned here. I’m afraid when I read this post in future, I might cry thinking why I let my life being in this situation and didn’t stand up for it?
 

I’m ranting a lot here, I know. I just want to let it out and move on. Doing my very best every day. Appreciate this moment before they asked me to leave when they think my service is no longer needed.    

I am lucky to know you

The other day when I was outing with good friends, we were talking about having a male friend as a best friend. I suddenly remember someone that I’ve been neglected for quite some time. I lost contact with him when my previous hand phone was stolen last year. To maintain a good relationship with him, I always wish him on his birthday and catching up once in a while.

I never realized that he was such a good friend of mine until we girls talked about this. I can talk to him almost about anything. He’s such a good listener and he agreed to accompany me whenever I need someone to be with me. I would even recommended him if my friends wanted to have a male friend as their best friend.

I don’t know much about him. Because… every time we meet, I am the one who talk. Sigh! What a shame. It is because am comfortable with him. He does not talk much so it’s me who has to do the talking rite? Rite.

I used to ask him to accompany me during the activity that was organised by my previous company. Ah… I couldn’t recall what the activity is. It was Sunday morning (say 7.00 am) at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa. While having discussion with former colleagues, I often glanced at him to see if he’s okay and comfortable with the environment. I brought him to the event so I must make sure that he’s been treated nicely.

The next day, I ask one of my colleagues, how’s he’s doing? She said, he was okay and even makes the effort to approach her and started the conversation. My oh my, I was pleased to hear that considering I have been abandoned him for some time due to my involvement with the event throughout the day.

He would be there, anywhere and anytime to give full support to me. Shame on me, I couldn’t give that kind of commitment to my best friends.

If you wonder if I ever has feeling for this guy… am not quite sure. I never think of taking our friendship to the next level. I don’t know if he still remembers me. Well, I hope he does.

Today is his special day. Today is his birthday. I don’t have his contact number so I can’t wish him directly. So, through this blog, I would like to wish him Happy Birthday, A. Thank you for being a wonderful friend of mine. I am lucky to know you. Even if this dedication may not reach you, but I know that our God can hear my prayers. I always pray for you every time I think about you especially on your big day.

P/S: I also pray that one day my girls would find a best friend like him. I shall introduce him to my girls if we get connected again.

Muhasabah

I was making a cup of coffee later that night. Walked into my room and locked the door. This is the moment am waiting for. Some ‘me’ time…

While took a sip of black coffee, I begin to asked myself what have I done today and where I want to take my life in the next step. Yes, this is called Self-Inventory (Muhasabah). I easily get upset for things that people have and I don’t. I didn’t cherish and appreciate what I have today. I am too worried for tomorrow and I’m regretful for what I’ve done yesterday.

Ponder. Am clueless. I couldn’t think straight. I keep on criticizing myself continuously. I feel so down. So, I closed my eyes. Imagining the happy moments and slowly creating ‘new-me’ image. No, it is not day-dreaming. It is something that I’m longing to do/be.

I wish that people could understand me. But then again, if I didn’t tell them what I like and what I’m not, how can they fully understand me, rite? People can just assuming by observing me. Sometimes they interpret it wrongly. It is all about communication and I'm confessing I’m lack of it.

If only I have guts to tell people that I, sometimes, hate to please people when they request me to do something that I hate to do; especially when you hurt me with great distress before. I am not a perfect Muslimah (where I should be good to people even if they harm you) but I always wanted to be the best one. Time… is all I need.

However, one thing that I can be proud of myself is I never want to give up. Every time I feel like I have to surrender (imagine I’m waving a white flag), my heart would say “I don’t want to stop.” I may not up to expectation but I know what (and where) I want to be eventually. Insya Allah.