I was making a cup of coffee later that night. Walked into my room and locked the door. This is the moment am waiting for. Some ‘me’ time…
While took a sip of black coffee, I begin to asked myself what have I done today and where I want to take my life in the next step. Yes, this is called Self-Inventory (Muhasabah). I easily get upset for things that people have and I don’t. I didn’t cherish and appreciate what I have today. I am too worried for tomorrow and I’m regretful for what I’ve done yesterday.
Ponder. Am clueless. I couldn’t think straight. I keep on criticizing myself continuously. I feel so down. So, I closed my eyes. Imagining the happy moments and slowly creating ‘new-me’ image. No, it is not day-dreaming. It is something that I’m longing to do/be.
I wish that people could understand me. But then again, if I didn’t tell them what I like and what I’m not, how can they fully understand me, rite? People can just assuming by observing me. Sometimes they interpret it wrongly. It is all about communication and I'm confessing I’m lack of it.
If only I have guts to tell people that I, sometimes, hate to please people when they request me to do something that I hate to do; especially when you hurt me with great distress before. I am not a perfect Muslimah (where I should be good to people even if they harm you) but I always wanted to be the best one. Time… is all I need.
However, one thing that I can be proud of myself is I never want to give up. Every time I feel like I have to surrender (imagine I’m waving a white flag), my heart would say “I don’t want to stop.” I may not up to expectation but I know what (and where) I want to be eventually. Insya Allah.
